Comments that Douglas Adams (book author) had about Windows 95

Top 10 Ways That Life Would Be Different If Microsoft Built Cars

10. New seats would require everyone to have the same size butt.
9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm).
8. The U.S. Government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker.
7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning light would be replaced by a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
6. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable, five times as fast, but would only run on 5% of the roads.
5. You would constantly be pressured to upgrade your car. (WAIT - it's that way NOW!)
4. You could only have one person in your car at a time, unless you bought Car '95 or Car NT; but then, you'd have to buy more seats.
3. Occasionally, your car would just die for no reason, and you would have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this as normal.
2. Every time the lines on the road were repainted, you'd have to buy a new car.
1. People would get excited about the new features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years. (Hmmmm...)

Top Ten Things the 95 in Windows 95 Really Stands For

10. The year it was due to ship.
9. The number of floppies it will ship on.
8. The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.
7. The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.
6. The number of pages in the EASY-INSTALL version of the manual.
5. The percentage of Windows programs that won't run in the new OS.
4. The number of minutes it takes to install.
3. The number of calls to tech support required to get it to run.
2. The number of seconds before it crashes.
And now for number one:
1. The number of people who will actually pay for the upgrade ;)

Well, we've all heard by now about the Stones selling out to Micro$oft. Well, here's a couple of comments about that!

The funny thing is that the Stones' tune they are using, Start Me Up, is being used to tout the Start menu in Win95, one of the things most blantanly copied from the Mac OS (Apple and Application menus).

But it's an appropriate tune. In another month they'll be singing the rest of the song: "...You make a grown man cry..."

Trevor Inkpen's (Quill Services Ltd. Victoria B.C. Canada, Top Nine Other Songs for Mr. Bill:
9) Bill's album pick: "Made in the Shade"
8) Bill Gate's message to the world: "Under My Thumb"
7) For those with only 8 Mb RAM: "(I can't get no) Satisfaction"
6) For those with 486's: "Time Is On My Side"
5) For those with existing non-Plug'n'Play hardware: "19th Nervous Breakdown"
4) For Win95 support staff: "Sympathy for the Devil"
3) After 2 months on the support line: "Emotional Rescue"
2) For those who would rather use NeXTStep: "Paint it Black"

And the Number One Other Song for Mr. Bill:

1) For everybody who buys Win95: "You Can't Always Get What You Want"

From: (Alan H. Zacher)
Subject: Win95: REM Ad themesong

After hearing that REM rejected the MS offer to buy a song for ad purposes, it came to me that it might have been:

to the tune of Losing My Religion
(Appologies to REM)

Windoze is bigger
It's bigger than Earth
But not quite as big as
The things that I must do now
To upgrade all my stuff
Oh no I need more RAM
I set it up

That's me in the corner
That's me on the help line
Losing my connection
Trying to keep up with OS/2
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I need more RAM
I haven't bought enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you Ping!
I think I thought I saw a GPF

Every nightmare
Of velour vest wearing Borg, I'm
Purchasing new hardware
Trying to cool my CPU
Like a Pentium that become a 286
Oh no I need more RAM
Resistance is futile.

Consider this
The OS of the century
Consider this
The OS that brought me
To my knees failed
Now all these open apps have
Come crashing down
Now I need more RAM
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you Ping!
I think I thought I saw a GPF

But that was just a dream
I hope that was a dream...

Some random Windoze 95 jokes and stories.

Organization: Arizona State University
Subject: A sign of Windows 95

My wife got a car sun shade at the local Win 95 launch event and on one side it says:

I was there at the start.

On the other side it says:

I need assistance.
Please Call Police.

An obviously clueless lady called in to a talk radio show and asked, "Do I need, um, a computer to use Windows 95?"

The host's response was perfect: "You'll have less trouble with Windows 95 without a computer than with one."

From: (David Shepherd)
Subject: What you can't get for $12 billion

At yesterdays Windows 95 launch event in London after seeing the Bill Gates video addres, Jonathon Ross, who was compere-ing the event, is reported to have told the assembled guests "money can buy you many things, but it does not necessarily buy a decent haircut".

From: (Ian Barkley-Yeung)
Subject: Microsoft

I just got a fax from the Microsoft 'fast tips' automatic support line. The banner said, in big, bold letters:



I thought, is that their address -- or their marketing plan?

From: (Wayne Hathaway)
Organization: Auspex Systems
Subject: About Windows 95 ad campaign

It dawned on me yesterday exactly why Microsoft chose "Start Me Up" instead of all the other possible Stones songs: It's the only one with a title short enough to fit in a filename.

From: (mark ashley)
Subject: Idiot's Guide to Windows 95 Ads
You can crash several programs all at once. No waiting !

Built-in Networking
You can crash several PC's all at once. No need to buy Novell Personal Netware or LANtastic to crash.

Microsoft Network
Connect with other Windows 95 users and talk about your crash experiences. Support groups in different cities will be organized.

Plug and Pray (that it works)

Experience the immense sight and sound of crashing.

Compatible with existing software
It will also crash your existing software.

Increased Productivity
You will need to increase your budget to buy more products like RAM and HardDrives. Better yet, get a new computer !
That's product-ivity.

Picture of clouds

State of the Art
Pay for Bill's next bid for a work of art.

It took Microsoft eleven years and it's not even original.

Online Registration
Dial into Microsoft and let them snoop around your harddrive. This will guarantee you a place in Microsoft's files for the rest of your life.

MS Plus
More money for Bill's plus side.

It will increase the utilization of your hard drive and cpu so much so that you'll end up upgrading your system. See "Increased Productivity".

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