Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
Real programmers don't write application programs; they program right down on the bare metal. Application programming is for feebs who can't do systems programming.
Real programmers don't eat quiche. In fact, real programmers don't know how to spell quiche. They eat Twinkies and Szechuan food.
Real programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers.
Real programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions.
Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.
Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9 AM, it's because they were up all night.
Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in BASIC after the age of 12.
Real programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
Real programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires you to change clothes.
Mountain climbing is ok, and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.
Real programmers don't document. Documentation is for simps who can't read the listings or the object deck.
Real programmers don't write in P or BLISS or ADA, or any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is for people with weak memories.